Leadership coaching · Melbourne & online worldwide

Leading former peers

Name the change directly and early, one conversation at a time. Almost everything that goes wrong here comes from hoping the adjustment will happen quietly while everyone gets on with their work.

Being promoted from inside a team is common and it's rarely discussed honestly. The organisation treats it as the low-risk option, since you already know the work and the people. What it actually involves is renegotiating a set of relationships that were built on being on the same side of the table.

This sits under transitioning to executive leadership, alongside the broader shift covered in manager to leader.

Why it's harder than an external hire

Someone arriving from outside gets a blank page. Nobody has a history with them and everyone expects to work out the relationship from scratch.

You get the opposite. Everyone has years of data on you, including how you behaved when you were annoyed with the last manager, what you said in the pub, and where your judgment has been wrong before. All of that is now being reinterpreted in light of your new position.

Meanwhile you're trying to work out how much of your previous self to keep, which is a question the external hire never has to answer.

The two overcorrections

Discomfort pushes most people toward one of two defaults, and both are attempts to resolve the awkwardness instead of tolerating it.

The first is asserting authority harder than the situation calls for. Extra formality, decisions made faster than necessary, a subtle distance in the way you talk to people you used to talk to easily. It reads as insecurity, and the team names it within a fortnight.

The second is refusing to change anything. You stay one of the group, avoid pulling rank, and keep the friendships exactly as they were. This feels generous and produces a team that doesn't know who decides, plus a set of problems that go unaddressed because addressing them would be awkward.

The workable position involves holding the discomfort rather than resolving it, which is easier when your own system is steady. That's the part somatic executive coaching works on.

The conversation to have in week one

Have it individually, not as a group announcement. Fifteen minutes each is enough.

Three things belong in it. Acknowledge that the change is genuinely odd and that you're aware of it. Say what will be different in practical terms, including how decisions will get made and what you'll want to know about. Ask what they need from you, and let them take their time answering.

Then say the harder sentence, which is that you'll sometimes make calls they disagree with, and you'd rather hear the disagreement early than find out later. Most people never say this and most teams are waiting to find out whether it's true.

The friendship problem

If you're now managing a genuine friend, the friendship can survive and it can't stay unchanged. What has to go is the part that traded on being on the same side, particularly venting about the organisation and about other people in it.

Being explicit about that is much better than letting them discover it. Something close to: this matters to me, I'm not going to pretend the change doesn't affect it, and here's what I think has to be different. Then actually hold the line you described, because the first time you don't, you've reset everyone's expectations including theirs.

Other people are watching this relationship closely. Any perception of favouritism costs you more than it costs the friend.

The person who wanted your job

Frequently there's someone who applied and didn't get it, and they're now reporting to you.

Have the conversation rather than waiting for it to settle by itself. Acknowledge that it happened and that you'd have found it hard. Avoid over-explaining why you got the role, since that reads as justification and invites an argument. Ask directly what would make this workable for them.

Then watch behaviour over the following months, because what people say in that conversation and what they do afterwards sometimes diverge. If it isn't resolving, name that too. Someone quietly undermining you is a performance issue and it should be handled as one, which is uncomfortable given the history and gets worse with delay.

What settles it

Time, and a small number of decisions people can observe.

The team is looking for evidence about how you'll behave, particularly under pressure and particularly when a decision costs someone something. One decision made cleanly, explained honestly, and held to when it becomes unpopular does more than any amount of talking about your leadership style.

Expect three to six months for the relationships to find their new shape. It's uncomfortable for most of that, and the discomfort is the transition rather than a sign it's going badly.

How coaching helps here

You need somewhere outside the organisation to think, because everyone inside it is a party to the situation. Your team is affected, your boss is assessing how you're handling it, and HR has an institutional interest.

Practically, the work covers rehearsing the conversations, deciding where the lines actually are, and steadying your own state so the awkwardness stops driving your behaviour. A free 30-minute call first, then fortnightly sessions over three to six months, online or in person in Melbourne. Fees are on the cost page, and what to expect covers the mechanics.

Common questions

How do I lead people who were my peers?

Name the change directly and early, one conversation at a time, rather than hoping everyone adjusts quietly. Say what will be different, ask what they need from you, and accept that the relationship has genuinely altered. Pretending nothing has changed is the most common mistake and the most expensive.

Can I stay friends with someone I now manage?

The friendship can survive and it can't stay unchanged. What has to go is the part that traded on being on the same side of the table, including venting about the organisation. Being explicit about that with the person is far better than letting them discover it.

One of my team applied for my job. What do I do?

Have the conversation rather than waiting for it to settle. Acknowledge it happened, say you'd have found it hard too, and ask directly what would make it workable. Then watch behaviour over the following months, because what people say in that conversation and what they do afterwards can differ.

Why do I keep overcompensating?

Because the discomfort of the new position pushes most people toward one of two defaults, either asserting authority harder than the situation needs or being so collegial that nothing gets decided. Both are attempts to resolve the awkwardness rather than tolerate it.

Rudi Doku · Executive Coach (ICF PCC) · Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP) · Melbourne, Australia · Coaching online worldwide