I've lived this work.

Every one of those moves was for my former spouse's career. I made each one work, with no idea at the time how much each transition was affecting my nervous system. I also never stopped to think through what could go wrong and plan for it. A question like "What do we do if the relationship ends while we're overseas, and I've moved to support your career?" simply never came up.

The biggest challenge in those years was changing careers, from a software engineer who mostly worked behind the scenes to a client-facing consultant. It brought on a strong case of imposter syndrome. I was anxious and constantly afraid of making mistakes.

When we moved to Singapore, I transferred there with the global consulting firm I'd joined in Amsterdam. The Asian market turned out to be very different from Europe, and I spent nearly my whole time in Singapore on the bench, without a client project. I felt ashamed that I wasn't getting to use my skills the way I had in Amsterdam, and my confidence went with it.

Through all of this my professional interest was moving toward people and leadership. I did an Executive Master in Change at INSEAD and spent eighteen months at Standard Chartered delivering programs across Africa. Since then I've coached senior leaders at companies like Google and BHP.

Around 2017 I started therapy focused on regulating my nervous system, and the practices became part of my daily life. I also began doing parts work, and later Internal Family Systems therapy, which helped me build a compassionate relationship with the parts of me that carried old wounds. Over time I got better at pausing before I reacted when things got hard.

My marriage ended in 2019 after we grew apart, and the divorce wasn't finalised until 2021. From 2022 to 2024 I was navigating the Federal Circuit and Family Court, an environment that's very unhealthy for a nervous system. I wasn't ready for how much grief came with all of it.

I had no mentor to guide me through divorce, so I spent a long time lost and wasted a lot of money. Big decisions are hard to make well with a nervous system that dysregulated, and many of mine cost me.

The whole experience also taught me a great deal about safe and unsafe people and how high-conflict dynamics play out. I learned how to protect children while their parents go through a separation, too.

That chapter later became its own body of work. Alongside this practice I run Reclaim Men's Healing, a seven-month Melbourne group for men rebuilding after separation.

I moved to Melbourne at the start of 2021. While I was still in therapy, I trained first in IFS and studied Polyvagal Informed Practice with Deb Dana. In 2022 I began training in Somatic Experiencing. I also did some deep men's work with Dr Paul Dunion, including his Maturing Masculine workshop.

These days I sit on the assisting team for Restoring Resilience's Melbourne SE™ Training, with Maggie Kline as faculty trainer. I'm in my fourth year of training in energy work too, and the daily practices I've learned there help me keep people who aren't safe for me out of my space.

I'm still in therapy and ongoing supervision myself.

Many of the people I work with are in the middle of a transition of their own, a new role or the end of a relationship. What they want first is to become a safe person themselves. From there they can attract a partner who's safe too, and build a relationship where both of them feel it.

Along the way I share a framework I use in both therapy and coaching. It helps people see what separates an extraordinary relationship from an ordinary or mediocre one, and once that's clearer they can start preparing themselves for the extraordinary kind.