Narcissistic abuse recovery in Melbourne and online
Rebuild trust in yourself after a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship
People come to me after a relationship that left them doubting what they saw and heard. Many left long ago and still turn it over most days, and others haven't left yet.
I'm Rudi Doku, a Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner, and I also work with Internal Family Systems and relational psychotherapy.
Nobody has to prove their former partner was a narcissist before we begin. What happened to you, and what's going on inside you now, is enough to work with.
What people tell me when they first get in touch
- “I can't tell anymore if I'm overreacting.”
- “I replay conversations for hours looking for where I went wrong.”
- “My body goes quiet when someone raises their voice.”
- “I feel guilty whenever I say no.”
- “I know the relationship hurt me, but I still miss them.”
- “One message from them can ruin my whole day.”
- “I'm frightened I'll end up in the same kind of relationship again.”
- “I don't trust my judgement anymore.”
These reactions often continue after the relationship ends, and they're part of what we can work with.
Why it can still feel unsafe after the relationship has ended
After months or years of monitoring someone's mood and working out which version of them was about to appear, the nervous system gets very good at detecting danger.
The relationship can end before the body gets the message. A certain tone of voice or a silence after a message can set off a reaction before you've consciously decided anything is wrong. It might be a freeze, or a rush of explanation and apology for something you didn't do.
These are adaptations. In a relationship where staying alert and agreeable kept things calmer, they did their job. Over time you can find out that you have more choice now than you did then.
You don't need to diagnose your former partner to recover
Many people arrive wanting to know whether their partner was actually a narcissist. That question makes sense, since a name for what happened can bring relief. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis, though, and I can't diagnose someone I haven't assessed, so I wouldn't build your recovery on a label.
Whether or not your partner met the criteria, the relationship affected you, and those effects are what we work with. They tend to include self-doubt and shame, along with confusion about why part of you still feels attached.
Areas we can work on
- Trusting your own perceptions again
- Catching the freeze, appease and shutdown responses sooner
- Setting a boundary without being flattened by guilt
- Understanding why part of you still misses them
- Telling responsibility apart from blame
- Staying yourself through a disagreement
- Spotting controlling behaviour earlier
- Making room for anger without being consumed by it
- Grieving what happened and what you hoped the relationship would become
- Approaching new relationships without constant scanning for danger
We don't have to work on everything at once, and you set the pace.
Working with me
I'm a practitioner of both Somatic Experiencing® and Internal Family Systems, and I assist on Somatic Experiencing® professional trainings in Melbourne.
My work is trauma-informed, relational and rooted in the nervous system. I work a lot with people who understand intellectually that a relationship was harmful, while their body and their relationship patterns haven't caught up yet.
Thornbury
Melbourne Integrated Therapies
8-10 Mansfield Street
Elsternwick
Glo Health
358-360 Glen Huntly Road
Online
Across Australia and internationally where appropriate
I'm not a registered psychologist or psychiatrist and I don't diagnose psychiatric conditions. Sessions aren't Medicare rebatable. I'm also completing postgraduate study in Counselling and Psychotherapy at Ikon Institute.
How I work
These approaches overlap, and we move between them depending on what you need on the day.
Somatic Experiencing®
A good deal of what remains after an emotionally abusive relationship lives in the body, such as a tight chest or a stomach drop when someone sounds annoyed.
Somatic Experiencing® helps us notice these responses carefully and work with them at a pace that doesn't overwhelm you. Over time your nervous system can learn to tell what's happening now from what it learned to expect then.
Internal Family Systems
Leaving a difficult relationship doesn't make your feelings about it simple. One part of you may be furious while another still loves them.
Internal Family Systems gives us a way to understand each of these responses, including the shame about staying, without deciding that one of them is wrong. We get curious about what each part has been trying to protect.
Relational psychotherapy
A great deal of relationship trauma happens in the presence of another person, so some of the repair can happen that way too.
Therapy gives you somewhere to practise disagreeing and setting limits while you stay connected to yourself. Those experiences gradually carry into relationships outside the room.
What recovery can begin to look like
Recovery rarely arrives as one dramatic moment. The changes are usually small. You notice sooner that something is off and trust what you saw and heard, and saying no costs less guilt.
If someone is disappointed with you, you can let them be. You stay present through a disagreement and stop explaining yourself to people who aren't listening. Other people's moods gradually become less of your job.
Eventually it becomes possible to be close to another person without disappearing to keep the peace.
There isn't a timetable for this work, so we notice the changes as they come.
If you're still in the relationship
You don't have to wait until you've left. I won't tell you whether to stay or leave, because that decision is yours.
Therapy can give you somewhere to slow things down and hear your own judgement while you weigh your choices without pressure.
If you're frightened for your immediate safety, or someone is stalking or threatening you, call 000.
1800RESPECT provides confidential support 24 hours a day on 1800 737 732.
If someone monitors your phone, browser history or email, consider getting support from a device or account they can't see.
Questions people ask
Worries are normal at this stage. You can bring any of these to the call, or ask them here first.
Understanding what happened
What is narcissistic abuse?
It's a widely used popular term, and there's no formal clinical diagnosis by that name. People use it for a lasting pattern of manipulation and control in a relationship, often with someone they see as having strong narcissistic traits. It can include blame-shifting that leaves you doubting your own memory.
In therapy we don't have to settle the other person's diagnosis. We work with what happened to you and how it still affects you.
Does my partner need to have narcissistic personality disorder?
No. Narcissistic personality disorder can only be diagnosed through a proper clinical assessment of the person themselves. Your experience is just as real whether or not they ever receive that diagnosis.
Why do I still miss someone who treated me badly?
Attachment doesn't disappear just because a relationship became harmful. You might be grieving the person, the good stretches and the future you pictured, or the hope that things would change.
Missing them says nothing about whether going back is right for you. It does tell us there's something important to understand.
Why do I keep doubting whether the abuse was real?
Ongoing denial and contradiction can wear down your confidence in your own perception. After the relationship ends, the habit of questioning yourself can continue.
Rebuilding trust in what you notice and know is often a large part of recovery.
What if I played a part in it?
Almost everyone wonders this at some point. We can look at your own patterns with curiosity, and you still aren't responsible for how someone else treated you.
Your situation
Can I start therapy while I'm still in the relationship?
Yes. You don't have to decide whether to leave before you begin. We can start by helping you feel steadier and hear your own judgement more clearly, and the safety information on this page applies to you.
What if we share children, or there's a legal process?
Many people are in that position. We can work on staying steady during contact with the other person, such as handovers and messages.
I can't give legal advice, so for the legal side you'd need a family lawyer.
Is this only for women?
No. Men and people of every gender go through controlling and emotionally abusive relationships, including same-sex relationships. If you're a man wondering whether this is for you, it is, and the free call is a good place to ask.
Working with me
How do I know whether we're a good fit?
That's why I offer a free 45-minute call. You don't need to prepare your whole story. We can talk about what's bringing you to therapy and whether the way I work feels right to you. Either of us can decide that another practitioner would suit you better.
If you're in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.
What happens in a session?
We talk, and I'll sometimes invite you to notice what's happening in your body as we do. You choose how much to share, and we check in along the way about how it's landing. Some sessions are mostly conversation.
Do I have to tell you everything that happened?
No. Plenty of people arrive without a clear story, or with one they can't say out loud yet. You can begin with a single sentence, or with what you notice in your body right now. Nothing needs to be retold before you're ready.
What if talking about it makes me fall apart?
That's a common worry, and Somatic Experiencing® is paced with it in mind. We stay within what you can manage and slow down or step back as soon as it gets to be too much. You can pause at any point.
Can Somatic Experiencing® help after emotional abuse?
It can help when the effects show up in the body, for example as freezing or bracing, or as difficulty staying present during a disagreement.
The work follows present-moment sensation and moves gradually, so you don't have to recount every detail of what happened.
How can IFS help with narcissistic abuse recovery?
It helps when you feel divided inside. One part of you may know the relationship was harmful while another badly wants the person back.
We look at what each part is protecting and carrying, and nothing needs to be pushed away.
How long will recovery take?
I can't give you a number. It depends on how long the relationship lasted and how much support you have around you. Small shifts usually come first, and we'll track them together.
Is what I tell you confidential?
Yes, with limits. I'll go through how confidentiality works before we begin, including the few situations where I'd need to share something, such as a serious risk to your safety or someone else's, or a legal requirement.
If the other person might find out you're seeing me, tell me and we'll plan around it, including how I contact you.
What do sessions cost?
The 45-minute call is free. For session fees, email rudi@rudidoku.com.au and I'll send them to you, with no obligation. Sessions aren't Medicare rebatable.
Page last updated
Start with a free call
You don't need the perfect explanation for what happened, and you don't need to have decided what recovery should look like. We can start with what's happening now.